Monday, May 11, 2009

couseling

I was able to finally go to another counseling session. Can I just say that it is wonderful to meet with someone who understands the Mormon culture, our background and our beliefs! What a difference from the psychiatrist person I saw who was not LDS and had me convinced that I was a really messed up woman and that it all has to have stemmed back to a traumatic event in our life. That may be true for people who were sexually assaulted, molested, igonored, etc. But I had a great home life with 2 parents that loved us and were always looking out for our best interests. I never knew how hard that job was unil I am now in the middle of it. So thank you Mom and Dad for providing a loving hom and guidance when we needed it. I may not have said so at the tme, but I truly appreciate the skills you instilled in us of hard work, finishing a job and serving others. I am proud to say I learned many great lessons from my wonderful parents. I just wish they would have moved to AZ instead of Sandy, Utah. They are much closer than Viriginia but I was hoping my dad would not really think his brain would fry here in the summer's. I think after coming to help me after 2 surgeries back to back in the summer made them quite happy wth their choice to go to Utah:)

I now have the complete model of what the counselor was telling me during our last session. I just could not remember it, but thankfully he wrote it down and so did I! Ok, ready for some psych 101 (ok, this is probably more advanced but just chose that name for convience sake:) He says an event happens, we have an instantaneos that which leads to our reaction. A straight line up from our thoughts are our rules that we have eiher set for ourselves or that may have been set for us from our parents or whomever raised us. Traveling up te arrow from the rule is our Core Belief system. In my case it means my core beliefs about the church are what is right or wrong for me within the bounds the church has set for us (which I love and am so glad they are there). He told me to keep a journal of every event and my reaction to it. I do have to say I acted little kinder as I did not want Rich thinking I am some whackadoo going around yelling at everyone in sight!

The one I chose to brng up was my sweet 13 almost 14 yar old boy. He is usually a pleasure to be around and brings much love and vitality to our household. He was having a bad week last week (according to him). I knew he was in a bad mood so I asked him politey to please take the trash out. He just sat on te couch and defied me. I tried sending to his room, turningoff the tv, games, etc. Darin, of course, was added into the mix as always. If there is every any argument, Darin will be right in there throwing in his 2 cents. That did not go over well that day so a knock down fight happened. I finally got thm apart from each other (no small feat when one is taller and stronger than you). I then put them in separate rooms so I could have a minute to just calm down. I was told to shutup by Brandon and then that is when the mean yelling mom came out! We then later had a discussion about it at family home evening and the boys had to tell each other they were sorry, face to face. They also got to talk with dad on the phone!

I brougnt this up with the counselor as right now all my time and energy are wrapped up in these little people. He gently reminded me that I do need to take some tme out of each day and just have mommy time. It can be as simple as going to the bathroom ( i have a feeling I will be spending alot of time there). He also showed me a disciplining strategy to try over the mext week. When eve the kid misbehave or get me to a point where I am gong to blow, he said that I need to calmly (which that is the hard part) approach the child, tell him that they were disrespectful and hurtful. I am then t0 time how long I am feeling that way and then tell the child that he owes me that much tme back in chores,cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I know my kids well enough that this is going to take longer than a week to get rectified. I also know that no matter how tired I am that I am going to have to be consistent and so is Rich. It will be hard but worth it!!

He said this all ties back into my depression and anxeity as I have set my rules pretty rigidly, so when they are broken I tend to find some solution, shopping, etc. to fill the void left from the confrontation/emotion. So my plan for this week is to get a set of rules that are not so rigid (taking out the I should always and my kid would never). These words are absolutes and we are just setting ourselves up to fail or keep gong viciously around and around the circle. I want out that circle!! Wish me luck with my plan writing and implementing this week. I will wrtie back about this after I find out how I did with it. Hopefully well:) Happy Mother's day:) Your gift is in with your other present.

2 comments:

Mom of The Fields Five May 11, 2009 at 4:58 AM  

Good luck with this new method. I am going to be expecting a full account of how it goes. I completely understand how difficult it is. I work on "Automatic Thoughts" all the time. I learned that from a great therapist. There is a great book out there called...Managing your Mind. It is all about Cognitive Therapy techniques that is wonderful. You might enjoy it. Take care of yourself. Make the boys clean your fav bathroom so it will be pleasant when you go for your escape! LOVE IT!

Erin May 11, 2009 at 10:02 AM  

Part of what I worked on in counseling was learning how to take time for myself. And to know that I deserve it too. It's hard, when you feel like you have to be a perfect parent and you have anxiety and depression and stuff all wrapped into these feelings. Good luck dear!