Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Depression Sucks

Ok, I know that is not a fun name for a blog title but it is the only one that truly expresses how I feel about it. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for the last 5 years, with the last year being the absolute worst. I do not tell people this or even let on this is happening. I still laugh, can still have fun, and yes lie that it is even happening. I mean, what Mormon mom is supposed to have depression with 5 kids, a husband, work full time and be 41? Shouldn't this be the time in my life when I have this all figured out and can just deal with it?
I finally decided to seek professional help for it and this time actually stick with it. That is one of the fun things of being a nurse. We tend to think we know better than the Dr. It did not help that my primary care Dr is a good friend and I would go in with studies on information on new medications and talk him into changing my meds. This time I have picked a psychiatrist (oh heaven help me:)) who does not know me, I totally trust and he will not let me dictate to him what I think I need to be on. Darn it!
There are other parts to this story that I am not going to go into but I am very thankful for parents that have not given up on me or a husband that has not given up with me. I think I would have walked out on myself due to some of the behaviors. I am sure some of the people at church think I am either stuck up or just don't care to interact with them. Neither is true. Depression can be a very selfish disease and there are days I can barely get thru my duties of being a mom, wife and working. At times I just cannot carry on a conversation with someone at church due to the anxiety kicking into full gear or the fear of being judged for not having my food storage or the gazillion other things it seems at times we Mormon women should be doing. Sometimes Relief Society feels like a big guilt trip and I know it is not meant to be that way, again just my twisted perception at this time.
I am very thankful for my kids who do not afford me the luxury of spending all day in bed even though there are days I want too. They have needs and I am the one who needs to be there for them. My five year old daughter, Camryn, loves to pull the blanket off me in the morning and have me play games with her. Once the boys get home from school, we talk about what went on at school, I have to get dinner started and then either get ready for work ( depending on the week) or get ready for baseball games. Did I mention I have 4 boys playing baseball on 4 different teams? Crazy!!
I know this is a trial that I am meant to go thru at this time. I am also very impatient and wish that it would just hurry up and get over with! But I guess that Heavenly Father is not going to just hurry it up just because I am impatient - again Darn it!!
The next post will not be as serious as I want to blog about my now 7 year olds birthday- just a few days late:)

4 comments:

Shari April 7, 2010 at 7:20 PM  

Stephanie,

I know just how you feel. I have been there myself and I have watched Brent go through his ups and downs for the past few years. I will keep you in my prayers! Please let me know if I can do anything for you. My ears and shoulders are always there for you.

Shari

Erin April 8, 2010 at 6:11 PM  

I wish you the best and I hope they can get medication that works really well for you. Good luck!

Mary April 21, 2010 at 7:44 PM  

I love you, Steph!

JaNae and Dan June 24, 2010 at 1:37 PM  

Depression does suck! Hope you are feeling better and get what you need.