Panic Attack vs. Anxiety

I always thought panic and anxiety were along similar lines. I always thought that a panic attack is the same as an anxiety attack. Similar words, denoted similar meanings - right??
WRONG!
I have been seeing a counselor and it has been great. He asked me if I ever had a panic attack. I made him define the meaning between the panic and anxiety. I mean, I am a nurse right? I should be able to differentiate between the two and diagnose it (that last bit was for my parents:) They think I tend to diagnose myself, which I admit I do:) Anyway, the difference between panic attack and anxiety is that anxiety is the feeling of being anxious, constantly thinking and heart racing. Panic attack is a full blown whole other story. I had the joy of experiencing one while I was driving home from a work meeting. Camryn had went with me and I was strapping her into her seat belt. I started to feel kinda funny and just attributed it to the heat, not having water with me and the misery of being asked to work 9 days in a row:( I stupidly said yes to that one - I just cannot say no to the owner of my company.
I started driving home (30 mile drive) and started to spasm in my neck. Next it went down the whole left side of my body. My muscles kept relaxing and spasming. Next it went to the left side of my mouth and my mouth started to droop. By this point, I was hysterical. Of course, I kept driving. Stupid, yes, but I felt I had to get home. I did not want to pull over on the freeway and be stuck on the side of the road in traffic like that. So I started praying and so did Camryn ( I do believe I freaked her out!). I finally made it home and collapsed on the living room floor. Darin was very worried and called 911. By this time I had stripped off all my clothes, down to my Mormon undies, because I was so hot. It was then the cute firemen showed up. So now the panic went full blown again because I was in my Mormon undies in the middle of the living room surrounded by firemen and police - all male!! My husband came home right after the paramedics showed up. Thankfully, they checked me over and said they did not think it was a stroke but a panic attack. So I decided to stay home and not go to the hospital. Instead, I finally calmed down and went to bed.
The next day I had an appointment with my counselor already. I told him what had happened and he said "yep, that is a full blown panic attack". Downside, having one can trigger others. Upside, I now know what it is and the counselor said if one comes on again, to welcome it, tell myself that is what it is, and he said it will go away very quickly by responding that way to it.
I hope to never have another one but I can now say I experienced it!!

The End

Mother's Day Poem from my 10 year old, Dylan

MOM
Kind, talkative, loving
I like you like books like a locker
Funny
Mom helps with siblings
Smiley
I need you like humans need oxygen
Cares, sincere
Mom makes the best dinners
Awesome
She helps with decisions
Cool, carefree
I love you like Snowball likes food

Love,
Dylan
May 2010

I Am

A poem written by my 12 year old for his 6th grade project.

I am a boy who loves baseball.
I wonder if I will make it to all-stars.
I hear the crowd cheering.
I see the ground ball.
I want to get the out.
I am a boy who loves baseball.

I pretend I am in the MLB.
I feel the seams of the baseball as I pitch the ball.
I touch the ball with my bat.

I worry that I will mess up.
I cry for success.
I am a boy who loves baseball.

I understand how good I am.
I say that I am not that good.
I dream of the MLB.
I try my hardest to be the best.
I hope I will make it to the MLB.
I am a boy who loves baseball.

Depression Sucks

Ok, I know that is not a fun name for a blog title but it is the only one that truly expresses how I feel about it. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for the last 5 years, with the last year being the absolute worst. I do not tell people this or even let on this is happening. I still laugh, can still have fun, and yes lie that it is even happening. I mean, what Mormon mom is supposed to have depression with 5 kids, a husband, work full time and be 41? Shouldn't this be the time in my life when I have this all figured out and can just deal with it?
I finally decided to seek professional help for it and this time actually stick with it. That is one of the fun things of being a nurse. We tend to think we know better than the Dr. It did not help that my primary care Dr is a good friend and I would go in with studies on information on new medications and talk him into changing my meds. This time I have picked a psychiatrist (oh heaven help me:)) who does not know me, I totally trust and he will not let me dictate to him what I think I need to be on. Darn it!
There are other parts to this story that I am not going to go into but I am very thankful for parents that have not given up on me or a husband that has not given up with me. I think I would have walked out on myself due to some of the behaviors. I am sure some of the people at church think I am either stuck up or just don't care to interact with them. Neither is true. Depression can be a very selfish disease and there are days I can barely get thru my duties of being a mom, wife and working. At times I just cannot carry on a conversation with someone at church due to the anxiety kicking into full gear or the fear of being judged for not having my food storage or the gazillion other things it seems at times we Mormon women should be doing. Sometimes Relief Society feels like a big guilt trip and I know it is not meant to be that way, again just my twisted perception at this time.
I am very thankful for my kids who do not afford me the luxury of spending all day in bed even though there are days I want too. They have needs and I am the one who needs to be there for them. My five year old daughter, Camryn, loves to pull the blanket off me in the morning and have me play games with her. Once the boys get home from school, we talk about what went on at school, I have to get dinner started and then either get ready for work ( depending on the week) or get ready for baseball games. Did I mention I have 4 boys playing baseball on 4 different teams? Crazy!!
I know this is a trial that I am meant to go thru at this time. I am also very impatient and wish that it would just hurry up and get over with! But I guess that Heavenly Father is not going to just hurry it up just because I am impatient - again Darn it!!
The next post will not be as serious as I want to blog about my now 7 year olds birthday- just a few days late:)

Valentine's Baby

This was my best Valentine's gift in the world. Dylan Austin was born at 2:14 pm on 02/14/2000. I wanted to have a millennium baby so that I would never forget his age:) After 3 weeks of bedrest (and going crazy with two other little ones) he was born 3 weeks early weighing 6 lbs 4oz. What a cutie he was with his peach fuzz on top of his head and a great set of lungs. He was hospitalized for 4 days following his birth due to jaundice. I have type O blood and he has type A blood, thus I transfer over antibodies at birth which broke down his blood cells and caused jaundice (called ABO incompatibility). He got to stay in the NICU and wear cool shades while he was under the baking lamps.
He is my child that loves to give me hugs and is very affectionate. Now that he is 10, he is a rock solid kid and if he gives me a running hug it knocks me over! He is quiet at school - he loves to take out a book and read it when he is really supposed to be doing math or something else. Thankfully he does this after he has completed his other work! He is the king of one word answers. Just ask my mom and dad! At home, he is not so quiet... He is such a fun child to have and I am so glad my Heavenly Father trusted me and my husband to raise him.